Conflicts

When Co-Parenting Conflict Takes Over: Signs of High Conflict and How to Step Out of It

Separation doesn't mean the end of conflict. In many cases, it actually creates more opportunities for it. There are schedules to agree on, holidays to divide, decisions about childcare and school, handovers, money, new partners, missed messages and countless small decisions involving your children.

Some disagreement is therefore inevitable. But there is an important difference between having conflict and becoming trapped in high conflict.

I recently came across Amanda Ripley's work on this subject through her Conflict Playbook. One idea stood out to me immediately: conflict itself isn't necessarily bad. Healthy conflict can be useful. Two parents can strongly disagree, explain their positions, negotiate and eventually find a way forward.

High conflict is different.

The dispute starts feeding itself.

Eventually, you can spend more energy proving that the other parent is wrong than actually solving the problem that started the disagreement.

For separated parents, recognizing when this is happening is incredibly important.

1. Watch for the moment the problem becomes the person

There is a huge difference between thinking:

"I disagree with what they are doing." and: "This is simply the kind of person they are."

The second is dangerous because every new disagreement starts becoming evidence supporting the same story.

A late message isn't just a late message anymore.

A disagreement isn't just a disagreement.

Everything becomes another example of why the other parent is selfish, controlling, irresponsible, unreasonable or malicious.

Ripley describes a related phenomenon as splitting: complicated human beings gradually get reduced into simple categories of good and bad.

This is particularly easy after a painful separation.

But your former partner can make decisions you strongly disagree with without every action being evidence of bad intentions.

The moment we stop being curious about why someone is behaving a certain way, conflict becomes much harder to resolve.

2. Look underneath the argument

One of the most useful concepts I learned is the understory.

The thing you're arguing about may not actually be what the argument is about.

Imagine two separated parents fighting over a handover time.

On the surface, they're arguing about whether the child should be collected at 15:00 or 16:00.

Underneath that argument might be something completely different.

One parent may be thinking:

"You don't respect my time."

The other may be thinking:

"You're trying to control my relationship with my child."

Suddenly an argument about sixty minutes carries years of emotional baggage.

When a disagreement seems disproportionately intense, ask yourself:

What is this really about? Respect? Control? Fear? Trust? Recognition? Fairness? Feeling excluded as a parent?

Understanding the understory doesn't mean agreeing with the other person's position.

It simply helps you understand what you're actually dealing with.

3. Notice your own conflict style

It's tempting to spend all our time analysing how our ex behaves.

It's considerably harder to analyse ourselves.

Ripley describes different ways people tend to approach conflict. Some avoid it. Some fight. Some instinctively try to make peace. And some people repeatedly intensify conflict.

The useful question isn't:

"Which one is my ex?"

It's:

"Which one am I?"

When conflict appears, do you immediately confront?

Do you send another message because the previous one wasn't answered?

Do you avoid difficult conversations until resentment builds?

Do you surrender on things that matter just to restore peace?

Do you recruit other people to validate your position?

Do you need the other person to acknowledge that you were right?

Your natural conflict style isn't necessarily wrong.

But if it repeatedly produces bad outcomes, try moving 10% in another direction.

If you're naturally confrontational, become 10% more patient.

If you're an avoider, become 10% more willing to speak clearly.

If you're constantly trying to keep the peace, become 10% more comfortable setting boundaries.

Small adjustments can dramatically change an interaction.

4. Be careful who you invite into the conflict

Ripley uses the term conflict entrepreneur for someone who repeatedly benefits from intensifying conflict.

That benefit doesn't necessarily have to be financial.

It can be attention, importance, status, influence or simply the satisfaction of being involved.

After a separation, you'll probably talk to friends and family about what is happening.

Pay attention to what happens afterwards.

Some people help you think.

Others help you become angry.

There's a difference between someone saying:

"That sounds difficult. What are you going to do?"

and:

"I can't believe you're letting them get away with this. You need to fight back."

Good support should help you make better decisions.

If you consistently leave a conversation more furious, more certain of the other person's evil intentions and more determined to retaliate, that person may not be helping you, even if they genuinely love you.

5. Learn to listen without surrendering

One technique Ripley recommends is called looping.

It's deceptively simple.

Listen to what the other person says.

Then explain what you believe they mean and ask whether you've understood correctly.

For example:

"If I'm understanding you correctly, you're worried that changing the schedule again will make things unpredictable. Is that what you mean?"

They might say:

"No. That's not actually what I'm worried about."

Instead of immediately defending yourself, ask:

"Okay. What am I missing?"

Then try again.

The important part is this:

Understanding someone is not the same as agreeing with them.

You can understand someone's position perfectly and still say no.

In fact, disagreement becomes much easier to manage when both people at least feel accurately understood.

6. Pay attention to the first few minutes

Difficult conversations often go wrong before the real discussion has even started.

Starting with:

"You always..."

"Once again you've..."

or

"This is exactly what you always do..."

almost guarantees defensiveness.

Instead, establish the purpose of the conversation.

Something like:

"I'd like us to work out what happened and find a practical solution going forward."

You haven't conceded anything.

You've simply decided not to start the conversation with a punch.

7. Don't humiliate the other parent

This one matters enormously. Humiliation makes people fight. When someone feels attacked in front of friends, relatives, professionals, or worse, their children, the disagreement can quickly stop being about solving anything.

Now it's about dignity.

Status.

Saving face.

Winning.

This applies even when you believe you're completely right.

Ask yourself:

Am I trying to solve this problem, or am I trying to make sure everyone knows the other person is wrong?

Those are very different objectives.

And be especially careful around your children.

They should never become the audience for their parents' conflict.

8. Give people a way out

Conflict escalates when people feel trapped.

Instead of:

"This is what needs to happen."

try:

"I can see three possible solutions. I'm also open to another suggestion if you have one."

Options create agency.

And agency can reduce defensiveness.

This doesn't mean abandoning your boundaries.

Sometimes there genuinely are things you cannot agree to.

But whenever possible, give the other person a path toward agreement that doesn't require complete surrender.

9. Stop endlessly prosecuting the past

Separated parents can spend enormous amounts of time establishing who caused the problem.

Sometimes establishing facts is necessary, particularly where legal proceedings or your child's safety are involved.

But not every disagreement needs to become a trial.

There's a powerful question worth asking:

"What would actually solve this?"

Compare:

"Why did you do this?"

with:

"What needs to happen so this doesn't happen again?"

One investigates blame.

The other searches for a solution.

Sometimes you need both.

But don't confuse proving what happened with actually fixing what happens next.

10. Don't let the conflict become your entire relationship

When parents separate badly, eventually every interaction can become about the conflict.

Schedules.

Money.

Lawyers.

Messages.

Missed appointments.

Who said what.

Who did what.

Who was right.

Who was wrong.

Eventually you stop seeing another human being and start seeing the opposition.

That is a dangerous place to reach when you share a child.

Where circumstances allow it, preserve neutral interactions.

A simple thank you.

Acknowledging something that went well.

Sharing useful information about your child without attaching an accusation to it.

You don't need to become friends.

You don't even need to particularly like each other.

But you do need to remember that your relationship has changed from being partners to being two people responsible for the same child.

A question I now try to ask myself

There's one question I've found particularly useful:

"Is what I'm about to do going to improve the situation—or does it just feel good because I'm angry?"

That doesn't mean being passive.

It doesn't mean accepting unacceptable behaviour.

It doesn't mean giving up boundaries or failing to document important events.

And it certainly doesn't mean that every conflict has two equally responsible sides.

It simply means recognizing that I can only control my side of the interaction.

Sometimes the strongest response isn't another argument.

It's a short factual message.

Sometimes it's setting a boundary.

Sometimes it's documenting what happened and saying nothing more.

Sometimes it's listening.

Sometimes it's walking away from a conversation that is going nowhere.

And sometimes it's calmly standing your ground.

The goal isn't to eliminate conflict

Separated parents are going to disagree.

That's normal.

The goal should be to stop disagreement from becoming an identity.

Your ex doesn't have to become your enemy.

You don't have to win every exchange.

And understanding the other parent's perspective doesn't require surrendering your own.

When conflict starts becoming consuming, look for the warning signs:

Splitting. Humiliation. Retaliation. Obsession with winning. Recruiting other people into the fight. Replaying every interaction. Assuming malicious intentions. Losing curiosity about the other person's perspective.

Those are signs that the original problem may no longer be the biggest problem.

The conflict itself may have become the problem.

And when that happens, the most important question may no longer be:

"How do I win this?"

It may be:

"How do I stop this conflict from deciding how I behave?"

For separated parents, that's not weakness.

It's protecting your ability to remain the parent your child needs.